STOP THE DIET CYCLE!!!!!
Sep 24, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhaqLElaD04

hey you guys welcome back to my channel
today was the day for my counseling if
you are new to my channel you may not
know that I have been going to in-depth
trauma therapy for two years it's been
two years yeah I want to say two years
and within this two years I have learned
so much about myself about trauma that I
didn't even realize I had endured at one
point in my childhood up to adulthood
and I have been successfully learning
how to gather tools - while I face
trauma that occurred to me when it
happened when I was a child and I didn't
have the ability to control it is for
the last two years I have been going
through very in-depth trauma therapy
healing learning tools to navigate
through life after facing a lot of
trauma in my childhood no I'm not
dismissing that there are many people in
this world that have also went through
trauma in their lifetime
and some of them have been able to move
on successfully and not have it be
something that hangs you know hangs them
up others have tucked it away and have
dealt with it that way but periodically
you might see it fester a little bit and
you just don't know how to control those
things or deal with it and then you've
got some people that has just halted
their entire life to where they just
can't seem to move forward at all and
they can't be a functional human being
in society because of the trauma that
they face has been something that has
hurt them so badly they just don't have
vision to see ahead of themselves now I
want to say that the person that I am is
I have endured trauma I've been able to
successfully hide it for many many many
years for the most part at times it
would Fester out and I would have you
know a big explosion
you know I dealt with it in different
ways instead of you know not sometimes
not blowing up in situations but I might
have eaten myself to a point of sickness
because I was trying to continue to keep
bear you know burrowing those feelings
and hurt and trauma and so because of
that that's how I have always dealt with
my my situations that have happened as a
child now I have had a very kind of
different type of childhood everything
from you know I had a father that
committed suicide I had a mother that
was an addict you know my mother could
not care for me and my sibling as need
be so she decided to place us with
family
I stayed with family for quite a few
years and then I did point my in in my
mom's life she felt she was ready to
take on the responsibility of me and my
siblings so she had us come back home
and that proved to be wrong she was not
ready for us to be home but yet she
wasn't ready to her pride get the best
of her to say hey I am NOT being the
best parent for these children that they
need so therefore we lived a very
up-and-down very no no whatsoever
structure for another many good amounts
of years until I was seven my my sibling
was a little bit older than I was
without casting shame or judgment
towards my parent before I guess you
could say the best that she could do for
herself you know
I I took a lot of trauma because of it
and throughout my childhood after being
taken away from her and placed into
state custody I never really had a
chance to really in depth deal with what
had happened to me as a child all the
way through in my you know my preteen
years and so that caused me to just bear
just cause everything to keep borrowing
and borrowing in I learned how to deal
with the pain that I had taken in with
my eating and also carrying a lot of
anger within myself and I just never
dealt with it and I didn't deal with it
all the way up until I got pregnant with
Omar and I had him I think that's when
my depression really hit I think I
honestly think that I have dealt with
depression most of my life I want to say
and I and I know that I have dealt with
anxiety as a little girl all the way
through to adulthood but again it wasn't
never diagnosed if I knew then what I
know now I would say that I should have
been diagnosed and I should have had
help but it didn't happen so it is what
it is it's now time to play catch-up and
do the best that I can to Hill within
myself so after I had Omar I quickly got
pregnant with Ezra and he was only four
weeks old when I got pregnant with us or
so there wasn't really I kind of felt a
little bit maybe setting in but it
quickly disappeared when I got pregnant
with Ezra and the doctor said that it
probably could have been somewhat to do
with hormones and so after I had SRA
within probably about six weeks all of a
sudden just this rageful angry person
was coming out of me
and it took one night of me
blowing up and it was blowing up over
nothing
it literally was we went to go get
family pictures the pictures weren't
turning out the way that I envisioned
them we went to go grab something to eat
on our way home the person doing the
order wasn't doing it correctly
according to myself when I got home I
just I lost it I lost everything and I
think that was probably the worst I have
ever ever been in my entire life
emotionally and I think that was the
well I know that's the worst that all he
has ever seen that it kind of scared him
a little bit just because you know not
scared him as in oh I hate me it's gonna
hurt him but scared him because he
really has never been seen me and that
vision before like he's never seen me
like that so and my mother-in-law was
here and it just was a mess and I truly
just wanted to disappear I wanted to I
wanted to just get off this earth like I
life seemed too much it seemed like I
was never going to make it in life I was
an issue to everybody even though that
wasn't true and it got to the point
where I reached out and I tried to take
my own life and at that very moment when
all he came in the room and he found me
laying on the ground I think it scared
the both of us
to the point where it was like we have
to get help and we have to get help now
and so I started with counselling at
first and I did that for about three
months and then after that I started
seeing a nutritionist because not only
was I dealing with emotional matters but
I was also dealing with nutritional
matters I was he
I had the mindset that if I you know hid
from food I would you
live longer if I you know was hurting
really bad I can stuff my food to the
point of pain so by mine had so many
things going on at once and I didn't
really really honest-to-god know how I
was supposed to navigate life in a
normal way because the only way that
I've ever known was to shove my fillings
and eat them away or you know pretend
they weren't there but it was getting to
the point where it was almost so much I
couldn't do that anymore
I could not pretend because the pain had
gotten so much and the emotional drain
that it had on my body of having these
two beautiful babies Maya was you know a
little bit older I had my children
looking at me I had a wonderful husband
a beautiful mother-in-law and I was
sitting here thinking I felt so empty
and so alone how could somebody that has
everything feels so empty and alone and
I kept asking myself that and I kept
crying from the from the pit of my
stomach crying for my father crying for
him to come and save me coming you know
come and hold me
give me that father hug that that hold
that I need which in return my husband
you know was the one holding me and you
know I was just crying I cried to the
point of passing out because I cried so
hard and I think that that was my
biggest breakthrough was during that
time so I started seeing a nutritionist
along with my counselor and I learned a
lot of things about myself that I didn't
know when it came to nutrition and food
and my relationship with food my
relationship with you know my body
relationship with why I am the way I am
why I look the way I look you know you
don't get you know you don't get 450
plus pounds because you just feel like
it you know there's a reason behind it
it's not just because you want to sit
and eat
Pizza and McDonald's and Burger King and
you name it you know just because
there's a reason that this body is the
way that it is at least for myself and
I'm only going to speak for myself my
body has been my protection even though
my body is the killer because my body is
killing me by being so big it's also my
protection it's what has allowed me to
get away with not having to feel pain
from certain things in certain people
because my body wasn't of what that
person wanted or needed or anything else
so I learned to accept myself for who I
was and I lived with myself that way am
I happy with how I am no my my right
mind my healthy mind is saying no this
isn't good this is not this is not
healthy you know Amy your body hurts
your muscles are breaking down your
bones are getting weak you know but then
on my psychological side it's this body
has been what I've known all my life
this body is what has protected me from
certain situations this body has been my
only friend that I have been able to
have and this body has been filled with
my best friend which has now been my
food so I was talking to my counselor
today and I was telling her you know
that I'm just I'm really lost right now
because I know what I want which is on
my psychological are my healthy mind
sorry on my healthy mind I know what I
want I know what I need to do but on my
psychological mind I just can't get the
both - you know collab together they
cannot seem to meet - where I can get on
board with both sides of my brain so
that I'm finally functioning on a normal
rate what most people can function on
I've just got my brain into
four areas and right now that healthy
side of me has been very muted lately
and that psychological side has been the
one speaking the most and the loudest so
I was talking to my my counselor today
and I said you know I'm kind of
reverting back to the very beginning
when I would eat in shame and when I
would you know I I'm not gonna say that
I have benched but I eat with no care if
that makes any sense so a binge to me is
you engorge yourself with so much food
and you haven't absolutely no control
you don't care what you're putting in
your mouth you are just immensely
pouring food into your mouth but eating
with no care doesn't mean that you're
just sitting there throwing food back
but it's just you're eating food that
you don't care if it's healthy if it's
not healthy if it's gonna help you lose
weight if it's gonna make you gain
weight you just don't care because it's
almost too much to care because right
now your psychological side is so
overwhelmed that the other part of your
brain just can't speak up loud enough
and again my psychological side has been
what has saved me a lot of times from
different scenarios in different
situations whereas my healthy side
hasn't been there for very long it's
something new and I haven't gotten used
to it a hundred percent
so my psychological side is what speaks
the loudest because that's what I'm
familiar with so as me and my counsel
were speaking and talking and I was
telling her these things and you know
one of the the biggest things that I
learned was eating with no shame and
allowing myself to eat with compassion
and knowing that you know it's okay to
eat things in life it's okay to eat a
hamburger if that's what you want to eat
it's okay if you are wanting you know a
certain ice cream just so say it's okay
to have those things but learning and
teaching yourself in moderation but that
is far and beyond where I'm at right now
because if I allowed myself any of that
I probably would jump the ship and
probably just and engorge everything and
that's just not I'm not at that place
but it's almost like as I eat certain
things macaroni and cheese or things
like that I will eat it and as I'm
eating it I'm telling myself my god this
is gonna make my back hurt more so it's
like I'm there I know what those foods
do to my body but that voice that is on
this other side is saying but this is
this is comfort this is normal Amy
you're going through a lot this is what
is this is what you're supposed to do
and that healthy side is just I can't
hear it I can't hear it when I'm in the
middle of doing it I can't hear it
so my counselor gave me this pay this
pack in and I really you know I thought
about it and I told her I said well I
think it's something that I want to do
with my channel I think it's something
that would be kind of interesting for
all of us to do together you know
nowhere in my timeframe am I gonna stay
here and say that I am eligible to talk
about nutrition as I am a nutritionist
or because I know it all because I don't
I don't I just shared with you multiple
things that would share it and tell you
that I'm not a normal person with normal
eating habits I'm far far far far from
it but if I can learn different
techniques and I can learn different
tools and share them with my friends
that might be struggling in the same
area that I am why wouldn't I why
wouldn't I do that for people that I
know truly truly truly care to know and
hear these things and that's who I'm
sharing this for so the package she gave
me and we're not going to go through the
whole thing tonight because I think
there's a lot to it you know there's a
lot of questions and
there's reading but one of the things
that really stuck out at me and this is
gonna be something that I'm going to be
making for my room somewhere where I can
visually see it and I think I'm gonna
even stick it somewhere in my living
room not in my living room but kind of
like in my kitchen area you guys kind of
know where my kitchen my living room
area are but it's a many people identify
with this cycle of dieting so you hit
this mindset well if I jump on and I'm
not shaming anybody please do not think
I'm shaming anybody but this is for
someone in a mindset like my own if I
jumped on keto or if I jumped on Weight
Watchers or I jumped on Atkins
everything's gonna be okay I'm gonna
lose my weight I'm gonna be a normal
person because I'm on a program it's
it's a program it's it's something
that's gonna help me lose my weight this
dieting cycle spoke so many words to me
I sat in awe when I read it I was like
that is me all the way around I don't
think there's one thing I can deny on
this chart that what they were talking
about so here's the chart and the first
one says make a plan and follow it move
down get tired of the plan and crave
foods not on the plan go around go off
the plan and engage in backlash eating
go around regain the weight go around
desire to change size shape and weight
go around make a plan and follow it it's
a cert it's a cycle I'm trying to put it
where you guys can see it if you guys
are wanting to write this down
yourselves know if that's you can
screenshot it I hope that's clear enough
this cycle I know many many people
suffer with this cycle I know I do this
cycle this this right here is a hundred
percent me all the way around it's me
I always think something's gonna be
better than nothing
something's gonna finally connect and
I'm going to finally catch it but in
reality it's not about a program it's
not about in my situation and I know and
others that also deal with kind of the
same situations I deal with it's
mentally it's not it's not something
that could be a quick fix you may think
it can be and maybe it can be for some
some but I'm gonna speak for myself and
say a quick fix is not going to fix me
because it's not gonna fix this so it's
not gonna fix all of this because all of
this right now is what is my protection
and this and this are not connecting
they're going in two different
directions right now and until I can get
them both going the same direction this
isn't gonna change so the first it's
called an exploration of body and Trust
body Trust is a radical revision a
healing Mada Mada delle tea sorry wait
exclusive a birthright a reclamation
repair work a homecoming liberating a
practice so this is the first page and
it says how to use this workbook so this
is a workbook and I'm gonna ask her if I
can get the copy of the actual book
itself but I know she would make copies
for me as well if I wanted them so it
doesn't make I mean it doesn't matter
either way
but it says print the workbook and
gather your favorite print
plan a date with yourself for the
process make adequate space for it so
you can work through all of it 45
minutes we'll do an hour or more would
really give you the time to think and
reflect find a safe and comfortable
space settle in when you are there ask
yourself how can I make myself just a
little bit more comfortable let go of
judgement notice thoughts that might say
I know this already listen to the
answers that come from your mind and
your body watch for when you feel the
truth emerging trust yourself and your
tuition most importantly enjoy the time
with yourself before you begin close
your eyes and take some really deep
breaths that's one thing that I have
learned over the course of me being in
therapy is breathing is such a big thing
to just sit and breathe in and breathe
out she has helped me slow myself down
so much and it helps me be able to think
so well so the first page it says if you
have chosen to receive this you might be
feeling curious wondering if an approach
like be nourished one that supports body
liberation emphasizes healing over
fixing and trust the wisdom of your body
could possibly be for you
we know you have put more energy in the
form of thoughts worry hope and fear
into your body and weight them body and
weight than almost anything we know
you've tried hard and also acknowledge
you may not be sure you've worked hard
enough we want you to know that things
can be different
but only if you try different not harder
first things first we are born embodied
beans filling at home in our bodies and
somewhere along the way we exit the body
and become like floating heads in the
world we all have a body story it's the
story of what has been meant to live in
our body our bodies have been with us
through it all exploring your body story
allows you to widen the lens and chain
the narrative we get to write the ending
so the first question that they asked is
how did you lose trust with your body
and that's such a deep question because
if I really sit and I really think of
how how did I lose trust with my body so
many answers come to mind and I'm gonna
write them down what experiment next
question what experiences impacted your
bill ability to fill at home in your
body I'll repeat that again what
experiences impacted your ability to
fill at home in your body third question
we aren't born into this world fretting
about our bellies butts thighs body
shame has learned how did you come to
learn that your body was a problem what
experiences led you to adopt the body
project fourth question make a quick
list of all the things you have done to
try to change the size shape or
appearance of your body if you can fill
the page if you want you can burn it
later examples might be traditional
diets non-traditional plants workouts
prayers cleanse fast discussions medical
procedures depriving thoughts books
pills laxatives etc next question after
making the list name all the feelings
you have when you look at it it would be
typical to notice things like
frustration anger disappointment and it
might be harder to name things like
shame or self blame now this is a really
important question to consider have you
ever blamed the plan see your list or
have you always blamed yourself most
people blame themselves in fact many
people believe they need to blame
themselves in order to feel motivated to
try again
the startling the startling truth is the
diet industry is a 60 billion dollar
industry with a 95 percent failure rate
there is no evidence-based treatment
that leads the sustained weight loss the
most consistent effective weight loss is
two years is weight gain these
businesses make money off of your shame
and self blame they depend on you coming
back for more
what is it like to take a step back
pause look at the cycle and realize the
repetitive nature of it all what
feelings come up so they're talking
about this circle make a plan follow it
get tired of the plan crave most foods
not on the plan go off the plan engage
in backlash eating regain the weight
desire to change size shape and weight
what is it like to take a step back
pause look at the cycle and realize the
repetitive nature of it all what
feelings come up last but not least we
want you to know that it isn't your
fault
people who repetitively diet after often
experience a diet backlash increased
read jedidah guarding good and bad foods
restriction leading to increase benzene
reduction in trust and self with food
feelings about not deserving food social
withdrawal and shorten duration of
dieting episodes when you first got
started you were likely able to follow a
plan for six months to a year now many
of our clients say that they can
tolerate a few minutes to a few days
before they just cannot take it anymore
we want you to know that this is a sign
of health yes
health you are not broken there it is
you guys you are not broken I this is
the very first part of this packet and
like I said I'm gonna see if maybe I can
get this package package this book from
her like if I can order it or
something if not I know she'd be more
than happy to make the copies for me so
we can go over it together as a group
because I think that is a very important
and I think personally reading over what
I just read over hits every note on the
head to what I have been struggling with
so as we spoke and we expend going on
with me lately we've decided to go back
to going to my nutritionist again I had
stopped seeing my nutritionist for a
while because of timing you know with
Ollie going back to work outside the
home it was gonna get tight trying to
find time to go to my nutritionist just
you know from my normal time that I go
to see my counselor and when my
counselor and I talked today my
counselor said you know what if you were
if today was your first day coming to
counseling I would steer you to your
nutritionist first and she said because
that voice is so strong right now within
you so clearly right now I'm going
through a very unhealthy time but when I
was seeing my nutritionist before she
helped me so much to get on a healthy
regiment that I didn't have shame I
didn't feel like I was depriving I
didn't feel nothing because she was
teaching me the ways that life needs to
be livable because this isn't a program
this is a life change because I'm
healing from within and out and so I
have a call in to my nutritionist to
start seeing her again because I think
it's very important but I just wanted to
share these things with you guys because
honestly I know there are more people in
this world that struggle with this than
just me and if I can be with somebody's
voice and I can say hey I'm here and I'm
struggling too then at least you know
you're not alone because you're not
struggling by yourself because I'm
struggling just as much and I am not
ashamed nor am I too good to say I am
struggling I have a problem and I am
seeking help because this is what I need
and this is what I want but I gotta work
up here in order to work here now does
that take away from you know
moving and getting exercise and things
like that absolutely not
you know those things still have to
happen because I have to be able to move
my body my you know my muscles and
things because they're starting to
stiffen up and it's starting to become a
pain for me to move and so even though
I'm working mentally on so much it
doesn't mean that I don't need to be
physically also working on my physical
part too because again like I said my
muscles are just they're just getting
weaker and weaker and weaker and I can't
keep moving on it's not it's just not
gonna work it really is not gonna work
and so anyways I hope you guys enjoyed
this video I am so sorry that it's going
up late but I hope it touches as many
people as it needs to drop and comment
down in the description box if you enjoy
what I just did and if you would want me
to continue to do more of this packet
with you guys I'm going to work on my my
lists that it asked you know I'm gonna
put my answers down here too and I can
also talk to you guys about what my
answers were as well so let me know if
it's something you guys enjoy if it's
something you guys want me to continue
doing if you guys want me to continue to
get the copies of the rest of the
workbook I would be very happy to do
that because not only is it helping me
but I can also be helping somebody else
so take care of you guys
I will check in with you guys again
really soon bye